I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
