I wish I could teleport
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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