omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
