This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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