He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
