I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
