She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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