Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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