I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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