he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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