I molested 6 butterflies tonight
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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