he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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