my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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