My sheets look like a crime scene.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
