You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
