I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
