Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
