she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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