I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
