Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
