Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
