I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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