My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we're making bets on your personal life
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
