The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
