i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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