When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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