If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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