I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
