i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
