just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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