I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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