Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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