Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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