why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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