you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
