I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
