New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Boobs speak an international language.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
