I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
