he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
