She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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