I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
