I wish I could teleport
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
