I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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