I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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