chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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