And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
