Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
