Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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