Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Of course I have a pirate flag
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
