So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You took a bar mat shot.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
