Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
