the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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