you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
