What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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