I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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