God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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