I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
