Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
